A few years ago when I was writing for Bangkoknites.com I did a series called “Seven’s 10 Top 10.” It was a list of ten “top 10“ lists covering various Bangkok/Thailand-related stuff—things to do, things to not do…general advice from this long-lived lounge lizard’s habitat in the darkest corners of the nightlife scene. I updated and reposted a few on patpongnightlife.com, but it’s been a few years, and things have changed, and since tourists are coming back again in force, and since I’m moving future blogs to bangkokseven.com I thought it apt to rehash some of the old adages while adding a few newfound truths for those not in the know. In short, I’m revamping all ten Top 10 lists. What follows is my newly-updated Top 10 Tips for navigating Bangkok’s Redlight Districts:
1) Never leave before the rotation.
This was number 1 four years ago and it still stands. When you walk into a gogo, there’ll be a gang of chicks onstage. Many dudes pop their head in, scan the joint, and if they don’t see a gal they like they skip on to the next bar. But there’s a whole other roster of girls backstage who will file out in 5 or 10 minutes. A smart monger will sit down have a beer, and wait for the rotation, because you never know what sweet piece of ass might be waiting to strut her stuff. Most gogos have either a 10 or 15 minute dance intervals and most open at 19.00 or 20.00 on the dot, so you can theoretically time your pop-ins at or near most rotations in most bars.
2) Always be polite.
This goes for the girls, the staff, the owners, the mamasan, and the random barkers roaming the sois offering massages and ping pong shows. I know, I know. You’re a person of status. You’d never lower yourself to a soapy massage, and you’d never enter a den of iniquity just because some chick in a bikini wants you to. You’ve got a rep to maintain, and you’re too good to engage with the redlight riffraff. Never mind that you walked your fat ass is to the redlight in the first place. It's fine to say “no” to a ping pong show, a third cocktail, a tuktuk ride. But there’s no reason to be a dick about it. A simple “Mai ow, krab” will end the interaction politely. So would a confident headshake. It’s rude to ignore the person, and downright barbaric to shout or show chagrin. Listen, you’re a guest in this country. No one put a gun to your head and marched you to the redlight district. You’re welcome here, no one’s judging you, and folks are just doing their respective jobs. So don’t clutch your pearls and don’t be an asshole.
3) Gogo dancers are not hookers.
In fact, there’s a huge difference between the Western idea of prostitution and what goes on in Thailand. First, prostitution is illegal in Thailand. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen—it’s just worth pointing out. Second, on a given night most of the girls in the gogo bar won’t bang a customer, and some never do. It’s entirely up to the individual girl whether or not she leaves the bar with a dude, and for some, no amount of cajoling will convince them to do it. Don’t get me wrong—some girls are as easy as saying “barfine.” But many—and most often they’re the hot ones—will require that you come with a certain amount of game. I’ve seen guys who traveled 8,000 miles for a sex tour in Thailand only to hit the gogo, chat up a girl, and go down in flames. I’ve also seen losers transform into studs. It’s all about your persona. Are you polite? Are you kind? Are you fun? It makes a difference.
4) Tip the staff.
On a work night, a few extra baht will go a long way. Most redlight employees can buy dinner for 30 baht, so what seems like pocket change to you could mean the difference between eating or not for your waitress/pole kitty. Is it required? No. And if you’re on a tight budget (aka a Cheap Charlie), then you might have to skip the tip. But the universe repays kindness for kindness. A little generosity brings good karma, and buys a bit of good will.
5) Stay off the stage.
I don’t know what switch gets flipped in a tourist’s head that makes them behave shamefully whilst on holiday. I guess they think what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand. And for the most part, it does. But so do I. And so does every other regular who loathes the rando drunk douche nozzle who assumes he can climb onto a gogo bar stage and waggle his ass amid the girls who’re in their place of work. They think it’s hilarious. They think they’re so clever. It happens every single night in Bangkok. A knob gets onstage every fucking night. I’ve a personal message for anyone planning to make this act part of their eat-pray-love Thailand experience: Does a gogo dancer come to ASDA when you’re on the clock, grab the broom out of your hand, and start sweeping while whooping and hollering like a cunt? No. The answer is no. So for fuck’s sake, do not go into a gogo bar and embarrass yourself and the staff by swinging around the stripper pole like a retarded baboon. You’re not clever. You’re a dick.
6) Don’t get fixated on one girl.
This ain’t the West, and the gogo isn’t your local Yates’ or Dave and Busters. And it ain’t like the movies where you walk in, lay eyes on a girl, and the world melts away. Gogo dancers are fickle. Some aren’t at all interested in sex or romance. And many are spoken for. In fact, whoever offers her a drink first has, at least for the moment, claimed her.
Let’s say you walk in and spot your dream girl. She’s shaking what her mama gave her onstage, and you realize that half a dozen other dudes are ogling her too, so you quickly motion to her that you want to buy her a drink. A few moments later, she’s sitting with you. Chances are good that, when her glass is empty, she’ll hustle back up onstage or over to another customer. Chances are even better that the dude who bought her 10 drinks and barfined her the night before will come waltzing in at any moment to bogart her for the rest of the night. On top of that, Thai gogo dancers are like fish. They’re slippery. They’re skittish. They’re hard to catch. Actually they’re more like cats. Mysterious, aloof, lithe, and hard to catch…they’re a mixture of fish and cats. What would you call that? They’re fishcats. My point is, to hang onto a Thai gogo dancer, your grip must be loose, and you must be ready to let them go at any second. Which is fine, because the redlight is teeming with hotties. So don’t fall in love, and don’t get possessive. You’re only setting yourself up for heartache if you do. There’s a Taoist parable about a man whose cow escaped the farm and ran off, and the more he chased it, the further away it ran. But when he gave up and sat down under a tree, the cow walked right up to him. Thai gogo dancers are like Taoist cows. The more you pursue them, the more they will run off. They’re fishcatcows.
7) Don’t be afraid to stay in one place.
This is a reversal from my original list, where I suggested hopping from bar to bar in order to get a lay of the lady land in your respective redlight district. In point of fact, if you’re having fun in one joint and then head to a different joint, your chances that it’ll suck there are 50-50. The situation is similar to the math riddle about the three doors. You’ve a better chance of having fun if you just stay where you are, and only leave if it sucks there.
8) Leave other punters alone.
When I was in high school, the worst possible scenario was not having a crew of friends to hang with. Being called a “loner” was a fate worse than death. In middle age, the opposite is true. People suck, and the more people in one’s sphere, the greater the chance that one of those cunts will ruin the party. And yet, there’s a large subset of the over 30 population who still need a clique to feel validated. They’re pussies, and sometimes these pussies find their way to the redlight. Their instinct is to seek out a wingman, or make a wolf pack by combining their shitty trio of retards with someone else’s. But seasoned mongers aren’t interested in being part of a group. They come to the redlight to hang out with their gogo dancer friends. They (we) aren’t interested in any other person with a dick’n’balls. In short, fuck off and don’t talk to us (me).
9) Leave your ego at home.
When I lived in Phuket, I palled around with a half Japanese dude from New York who worked for Google as a digital nomad. Everywhere we went, girls would scream at the sheer sight of his Asianesque handsomeness. Because of this, he thought he was the greatest gift to Thai girls since Instagram, and he refused to pay short-time or longtime fees or barfines. In his mind, the gogo dancer should be paying him for sex—not the other way around. “I don’t pay for sex,” was a thing he told every bar girl who showed interest in him. This was and is a spectacular cognitive failure. If you’re like my friend, and you think you’re too good to pay your gogo dancer for bedroom Olympics, you fundamentally fail to understand the situation. The girl doesn’t want to sleep with you because you’re good looking. The girl needs to buy baby formula and pay rent. If she has the choice between banging a hot guy for free and a fat, old, ugly guy for 2,000 baht, it’s not even a choice. The intercourse will mean the same, but in the latter scenario, she feeds her family and keeps a roof over their heads. In short, nobody in the gogo gives a shit how fit you are. They care about their mobile phone bill.
10) Why so serious?
With the post-Covid return of tourists, I was reminded again how out of place a Western “strip club” mindset is in a Thai gogo. When you hit the Spearmint Rhino in Los Angeles, or Treasures in Las Vegas, it’s common to see grim-faced dudes scrutinizing the girls whilst sitting back in their chair, arms folded, frowning like a disappointed parent. This comes from a combination of wallet worry, low confidence, and the belief that the reason the girl’s onstage in the first place is to be picked apart by the men, who judge their flaws the way a used car customer checks for dents and paint scratches.
To all those dickheads who plop down in the Bangkok gogo with the same mentality, I’d just like to say, “Hey—dickhead. You ain’t in ‘Merica anymore.” These girls are not going to bruise your fragile ego. They’re not going to challenge your status or rip you off. They literally don’t have a mean bone in their bodies. They’re absolutely ecstatic that you’re in the bar, and they just want you to have a good time. If you’re nice, if you smile, if you’re friendly, if you spring for a drink or two, you’re a fucking hero, dude. So turn that frown upside down, you awful cunt, and be glad you can pretend—at least for a while—that you enjoy being alive.
That rounds out List 2. Check back in a week or so for List 3 and/or a miscellaneous tirade and/or restaurant review. Cheers for now, folks.
I totally agree with your comments. Every bargirl that I have met in BKK has had a heart of gold. One comment: In Section 9) where you write, "If you’re like my friend, and you think you’re too good to pay your gogo dancer for bedroom Olympics, you fundamentally understand the situation" did you intend to mean "misunderstand"?