What follows is the first of 10 “Top 10” lists that I—Bangkok Seven—have accumulated after 12 years living in The Land of Smiles. They’re lists of tips and tidbits of advice based around the various aspects of living and thriving in Thailand. Do some lean toward the naughtier side of Thai life? Of course. Because I’m a gogo monger. That said, there’s some sage advice for everyone (except expats, who already know all this) in these cornucopias of competency. Let’s tackle the first one:
Top 10 Tips for surviving Bangkok
1) Krab/Ka. This Thai word translates generally as “politeness.” By ending your statements with this word, you’re showing respect to the person you’re speaking to. If you’re male, you use “krab” (sound like kahp) and if you’re female, you use “ka.” So the way to say “no thank you” is “Mai ow krab/ka.” The literal translation is “Not want, with politeness.”
2) When people in Asia want you to come over to where they are, they hold out their hand with their palm facing down and wiggle it up and down. Beckoning someone with your palm facing up is considered very rude. So when it looks like the girl at the massage shop is waving at you, she’s actually beckoning you to come in for a rubdown.
3) When you want something in a restaurant, you need to flag down the waitress. She’s not going to check on you because she doesn’t want to invade your space uninvited. If you wait for her to come around, you’ll be waiting forever. Hold up your hand and say “Khor tod, krab/ka!” It translates “Excuse me, with politeness.”
4) Thais have no situational awareness. They’ll walk directly at you on the street, stand in the doorway of a shop or a train, block the register at 7-11 while they casually put away their change, step in front of you in a queue, and turn a road into a parking space simply by turning the car off and walking away. It’s not deliberate. They simply don’t think about the rest of the population sharing their planet.
5) If you’re reading this in 2022 or 2023, or even 2024, you’ll likely see 99.9% of Thais still in masks. This is because Thais are irrationally terrified of Covid. And even though the mask mandates were ended, the public still wears them religiously. So if you’re a maskless foreigner in Bangkok, don’t be surprised when the Thais avoid you like the Plague. To them, that’s exactly what you are.
6) Check the Thai calendar before booking your holiday. Thailand has several holidays on its calendar that are “dry” days, meaning alcohol cannot be sold from midnight to midnight on the day. Also, Thailand has two tourist seasons—high season, which is the few months in winter where the heat is less oppressive and it rains less, and low season, when it rains every single day for more than half the year. Be aware of these fun impediments so you’re not caught unawares.
7) There’s no such thing as “right of way” on Thai roads. This is true for cars and pedestrians—even in a zebra crossing (crosswalk). If you boldly step into a zebra crossing, expecting the cars to stop for you, there’s a 50-50 chance you’ll be killed. When you want to cross the street, you must wait till there are no vehicles in your proximity.
8) Be mindful where you put your feet. Thailand is built on a swamp, thus the pavement in the city is in a constant state of flux. And much of it is a collection of loose tiles. The result is a rough walking terrain ideally suited for injury. If you don’t want to spend your holiday on crutches, watch where you’re walking at all times.
9) Thais believe that all foreigners have an endless supply of money. This means they’ll have no compunction about over-charging tourists, or high-balling them when bargaining in the market. That merchant has bills to pay. She doesn’t give a shit about quoting a fair price to a stranger. If you end up paying too much for your fridge magnet, it’s on you. I remember reading some travel blog where the foreigners were upset about being charged $1 more than they should have. The chick wrote, “Did we not wai them correctly?” No, dummy. The shop owner probably needed to buy new school uniforms for her kids. No amount of wai’ing will earn you a discount.
10) Be polite. The dude offering you a suit, tuk-tuk, or ping pong show knows you probably don’t want one. But 1: it’s his job to ask you, and 2: he’s playing the odds. One in every 100 people says “yes,” so if he wants to make quota, he needs to ask 1,000 people. There’s no need to be a dick about it. If you don’t want what he’s offering, you can simply shake your head, or better yet, say “Mai ow, krab.” He’ll immediately stop bothering you. But don’t just ignore the guy, and definitely don’t be rude. You’re an outsider in his country. So be polite.
I could probably throw out another 10 BKK holiday tips, but not today. This is a pretty good first list. Keep an eye out for the other 9 Top 10 lists coming soon. The next one will be 10 tips for navigating the Redlight District. Follow on Twitter @BangkokSeven or facebook.com/BangkokSeven7
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