Redlight Morning-to-Night: Soi Cowboy
Most people who hit the Bangkok redlight districts do so after the sun goes down. But what about the few, proud, dedicated, gogo-addicted whoremongers who do more than just dip into the life for a couple hours on the weekend? What about those of us who eat, breathe, and sleep Bangkok redlight? OK, what about the one of us who does that—namely me?
It’s not unusual for this worn-out barfly to hit the RLD before the action really starts. In fact, I’ve been known from time to time to start my outing as early as…the morning. In 2018, I did a 3-part series of blogs on the topic of what it’s like to be in (or near) the redlight district for a 17ish-hour stretch called “Redlight Morning to Night.” You can find two of them over at patpongnightlife.com. Today, the excursion looks different, thanks to two years of lockdowns and incompetent government bullshit.
What follows is the 3rd installment of the original series. The first version—the 2018 “RMN Soi Cowboy” blog—never did get posted because the lockdowns hit before I could finish it. And so, after a two-year forced hiatus, I’ve returned to this longwinded, long-drinking sunup to sundown stretch around Suk Soi 23. Let’s dive in…
I was out of the apartment by 9:00 and off the BTS by 9:30, strolling leisurely down Suk Soi 23 amid bustling morning traffic. Rounding the corner onto Soi Cowboy, I was surprised to see a flurry of activity—painters refurbishing signs, cleaners hosing down patios, maintenance crews addressing random electrical concerns, ice arriving in big bags, empty beer bottles going out by the boxload, and half a dozen rolling food carts on hand to feed all those busy workers. Each bar appears to have its own day crew who rule the roost while the sun’s out.
Before Covid, The Oasis opened at 10:00, and I enjoyed their big fat breakfast more than once. In our current state—2022 post-pandemic but pre-return of mass tourism—the joint doesn’t open till 14.00, so I had to find an alternate place to have my first meal. And since Scruffy Murphy’s is just across the road, I jammed over there for breakie. Their “choose 7 items” plate was pretty good. I got 2 fried eggs, Cumberland sausage, streaky bacon (which is a poor imitation of American-style bacon), mushrooms, black and white pudding, and hash browns, with a pint of Kilkenny to wash it down. And boy-howdy, have beer prices gone up in BKK. 320b for one pint of ale. The food was 270. Nothing stood out as extraordinary but it tasted right and filled me up, and sometimes that’s all a monger needs. After cleaning the plate, I looked up and saw a football match on the telly—Australia v New Zealand. So, I watched that and nursed another pint of the red stuff.
Once the game was over, I took a stroll along the soi, just taking in the scene and making mental note of which places didn’t reopen after the lockdowns. The handful of massage places were abuzz with activity, and by that I mean, crowds of semi-attractive gals in matching polos crowing at passersby. I said “No” to the girls thrice as I passed, and then about a minute later, changed my mind, mostly because of one particularly fetching young thing with light brown streaks in her long, lovely hair, bright smile, and perky set of tits on a slim, demure frame. She hooked her arm in mine when I walked up and without a word guided me to and shuttered me inside a small room with a bed, a small battery-operated fountain, and one of those vaporizing air fresheners. I got undressed and lay face down, pulling a towel over my backside, not sure what to expect since nothing was said beforehand…and let’s just say, she wasn’t interested in rubbing my shoulders. I put that together when she entered the room, asked me to turn over, and I saw she was completely naked. I’ll leave it to you to fill in the rest of what transpired. When it was over and we were both too out of breath to do anything, she slung an arm and a leg across me, and I’m not sure but I think we both had a wee nap.
After the workout, I felt a bit peckish again and so headed over to Barcelona Gaudi for a snack and a nip of wine. I started by pairing a Tempranillo (350b) with Catalan pork sausage (230b—it was 170 before Covid) and Manchego cheese. It all went down nicely, and I followed-up with gambes a ‘allet. And although it blasphemous to follow red wine with white, I did just that, pairing the prawn with a glass of Petit Caus (450). Every bite and sip were momentary shifts to an alternate universe where 10 years ago I chose relocate to Barcelona instead of Bangkok. That version of me is much fatter, I’d wager.
From Gaudi, I swayed through the tunnel under the street to Terminal 21 and caught a movie. I don’t remember the name but it was in Thai with English subtitles. I gave up trying to follow after a few minutes and slept through the rest. After the movie I needed to stretch my legs and get a second wind so I sauntered down Soi Suk to Prime Burger (between sois 27 and 29). For any West Coast Americans reading this, I’d describe the burger as a cross between In-N-Out and the old Bob’s Big Boy double-decker.
Then it was time to start up drinking again. I tried the Clubhouse on Soi 23 but it was full of stupid, loud-talking fucking foreigners so I couldn’t stay. I went back to Oasis for a big SML draft and got ready to watch the gogo dancers arrive for work. Just then, one of my harem phoned to say her baby was wick and can I come to the hospital to pay the bill. So of course, Daddy Whorebucks stepped up to help her and missed out on the gogo come-to-work parade. I arrived back at Soi Cowboy just as the Dollhouse opened its doors. Dollhouse is great for two main reasons: cheap beers and topless dancers. The caliber of girl varies wildly from month to month, but there’s always at least one fit girl in there to ogle. I polished off two SMLs and then popped next door to Baccara, the most crowded, most fully-staffed gogo on Soi Cowboy. Unfortunately, drink prices are hard to figuratively and literally swallow and as I’m not Japanese, girls don’t pay much attention to me in there. But there’s a lot on which to feast one’s eyes, that’s for sure.
After one beer in Baccara, I popped across to Suzy Wong’s where a petite young thing in a bob haircut bounced on my lap for around 20 minutes. She knew my name, said she used to work in Patpong, and asked to barfine. I said “Seven doesn’t barfine” and she immediately stood and buggered off. Before Covid, this is when I’d head to Lighthouse for happy hour beers and their 20-odd hot dancers. But Lighthouse didn’t survive the lockdowns, so I set out in search of a gogo to replace it as my new fave. I tried Cowboy2, Tilac, and Spice Girls to no avail. None of them match the comfort, price tag, and girl quality of Lighthouse. So I guess for the foreseeable future, I’ll just go to Dollhouse, Baccara, and Wong’s. For those thinking, “Why don’t you hit up Crazy House?” The answer is, because the staff are total cunts. They’re rude and they’re the only gogo in the whole of Thailand that won’t let me wear headphones inside the bar for no good goddam reason other than they’re cunts. Fuck that.
These days, a Cowboy visit is more about the food around Cowboy than Cowboy itself, I’m sad to say. Here’s hoping things will improve as the nightmare of the scamdemic fades into memory.
I ended my night with a drunken run through the little bars near the west end of the soi. They’re known for playing 80s music, 60-baht beers, and the odd hottie. ‘Twasn’t much of the latter this time around but that won’t stop me from trying again in a month or two. From there, I did what I always do when I hit Nana or Cowboy—I jumped a motorbike taxi and went straight to Patpong, the redlight where I belong.
For more content, check out patpongnightlife.com as well as my YouTube channel.