Bangkok NachOdyssey Part 1: "Nacho" Wheelhouse
Recently, I endured a 3-week purgatorial holiday in California. The place is a disaster zone, but there are a couple of things you can get there that are objectively excellent, especially compared to Asia, namely wine and Mexican food. I indulged heavily in both. And when I returned to the hedonistic haven of Bangkok, I had a lingering yen for Latin delights. When I get hooked into a thing, I habitually pursue that thing until I’ve beaten it to death, and for some reason, last month I became obsessed with finding a good plate of nachos in BKK. A fruitless endeavor, I now know.
In fact, nachos are a staple in almost every pub in Bangkok, and as I often find myself in such establishments whilst traversing the various red-light districts around town, I decided to sample this hard-to-fuck-up dish, and it turns out, it’s really, really easy to fuck up nachos—especially if there ain’t a drop of Hispanic blook in your veins.
The Brits do a lot of things right. Music, old architecture, cider. One area where they've consistently failed is with food. In England they have something called Tex-Mex, which is neither Tex nor Mex. It's the culinary version of a Latin late-term abortion. And the melanin challenged expat pub owners of Bangkok have brought that food-related illiteracy to Bangkok. Don’t get me wrong, their fish-n-chips, pies, lamb shanks, etc. are pretty great citywide. It’s the fare from the Americas that miss the mark. Just for shit n giggles, here are some across-the-board tips from an LA native that are always true when making Mexican food: guacamole doesn't come in a can or a bag. Sour cream isn't a garnish. 500 jalapenos are too many for one plate of food. There should always be more cheese than chips (C2C ratio), cheddar doesn't go on nachos, and the chips shouldn't come from a supermarket shelf. With those obvious tenets out of the way, here’s how I rate what I found when I pounded the pavement around town…
Scruffy Murphy’s’ nacho plate (280b) was a miraculous disaster (miracusaster for short, copyright BKK7). Having said that, though, theirs is probably the only one I’d order again. The chips, as compared with other joints, were terrific. I give the chips alone a 4 out of 5. Also props for no beans. And the chicken chunks were OK. Everything else was a 1. The sour cream was that fake stuff. There were too many jalas, and of course not enough cheese (C2C ratio: 1 to 2). I’ve probably enjoyed the oven-seared tortilla chi[s on their own or with a bowl of salsa. An alternate menu option is their fish-n-chips, which kick ass.
Then I had the nachos at Oasis soi cowboy based on the recommendations of my friend Jack Nites, who is by no fault of his own British, so I was a tad suspicious of his endorsement. Turns out my suspicions were spot-on. The chips were supermarket bought. They put kidney beans on the nachos, as if to summon Satan himself from the bowels of Hell. The sour cream n guac were the fake stuff and bore no resemblance to the real McCoy. Something in the mix tasted like pineapple. I think was the teaspoon of salsa. C2C ratio: 1 to 2. Everything about the dish rates a 1except the price (95b) A much better alternative is their breakfast, which is outstanding (especially with a bloody mary).
The way The Game’s nachos (275+) sounded from reading the menu, I expected something pretty awesome, and was only somewhat disappointed. The toppings were pretty basic: cheese, sour cream, jalas, and chili (the fucking English and their Tex-Mex chili strike again!). The Thai cook said I'd have to wait an hour for the chili as she hadn’t started to make up the pot yet. I said just put salsa on instead. The chips were tasty but too thin. They kept breaking when I tried to dip a dab of (real) sour cream. ‘Twas served in a hot skillet but could've stayed in the oven a tad longer. The cheese in the middle wasn’t fully melted. Black olives were a nice touch in an otherwise flavorless dish. I ate every jala just trying to taste something. The one redeeming note: the C2C ratio was 3/2. A better choice from their menu is their omelet, which is also served in a hot skillet with home fries and is quite tasty.
Of course, I tried out Hooters’ (399++). Nice presentation, ample amount of fresh white meat chicken, and nacho cheese (or was it Velveeta?). Per usual there were too many jalas but at least the chips weren’t store-bought. A smattering if diced tomato n onion, a dollop of real sour cream. C2C ratio as 1 to 2. I left 18 dry chips on the plate. Nothing overtly Mexican except the chips and the price was typical of a Hooter’s at about 5 times more than it shoulda been. With a sml the bill was 633b. Really the only thing anyone should be ordering from this joint is the buffalo wings.
My final stop is technically cheating because 1—it ain’t a pub, and 2—the owner actually is from Texas (the real Texas, not the fictional nation of Tex-Mex, which isn’t a real thing). In spite of these origin-related advantages, they didn’t do much better than the pubs, with one glaring exception.
So, I ordered the brisket nachos 350++), ensuring that even if they sucked, there’d at least be a pile of awesome meat on the plate. I also ordered a margarita on the rocks (170++), assuming that a Texan would make a good one purely by virtue of proximity to the Mexican border. It was…OK. Sweet, sour, refreshing. Sunrise’s is better (more on Sunrise Tacos in a future post).
At any rate, here’s how the Roadhouse nachos rate…
The good: ‘Twas a huge plate and lots of grub. I left feeling full. The brisket was scrumptious. The C2C ratio was nearly 1 to 1. The guacamole was great, but
The bad: Said guac was frozen, and showed up to my table as a (albeit delicious) guacsicle.
The ugly: a giant mound of iceberg lettuce topped the dish, and scraping it off took precious seconds. Overall, it was a nice plate of food, though it didn’t really resemble nachos as I understand them. And with the ++ pricing, dinner was 6112 all-in, and I’d be lying if I said paying the bill didn’t hurt.
It was at this moment I realized I’d been looking for nach in all the wrong places. Pubs can’t cut the mustard, or in this case, the Mexican. Bangkok is full of Mexican restaurants, so I switched my tack and hit a handful of ‘em. But that’s a separate post, which I’ll publish next week. I hope you found this info tasty, or at least know where not to go for yo nacho.
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